Last night, I had one of the weirdest dreams—or maybe nightmares—I’ve ever had. Somehow, the Doge dude took over Metal Devastation Radio and fired me. I was freaking out, pissed off, and panicked, rushing to get out of the house to figure out what the hell was going on. No idea where I was going or how any of this could even happen, but, you know… dreams.

As I’m walking through the house, I pick up my phone and see the battery is almost dead. For some reason, I have it hanging around my neck on a string, like a necklace. I start heading down the hall toward the exit, but the phone keeps playing voicemails out loud, and I’m just trying to get to my car to charge it. Then, suddenly, I feel something pulling me back. I turn around—and somehow, my phone is already plugged into a charger in the last room I was in. Either I never actually walked down the hall, or I stepped into some kind of portal and skipped into another dimension where my phone was already charging.

I call for Raven to tell her what just happened, thinking this has to be something paranormal, but she just looks at me like I’m insane and keeps scrolling on her phone. Frustrated, I rip the phone off my neck, throw it, and say, “Fuck this, I’m out of here.”

I get in my car and start driving. Next thing I know, I’m on some dirt road in the mountains, and it starts pouring rain. Out of nowhere, two little kids jump into the road. I swerve to avoid hitting them, lose control, and crash. I get out, yelling at them to stay out of the street and go home, but they just vanish. Now I’m stuck walking in the rain, which keeps getting heavier. The water starts rising, and soon, I’m waist-deep. A creek next to me is flooding, and I feel the current pushing me.

I scramble up some rocks and find myself at the top of a mountain, staring at an ancient temple—like something straight out of Tomb Raider. As I explore, a pack of wolves suddenly appears and attacks me. I spot a chainsaw on the ground, grab it, and start fighting them off. I break free and suddenly find myself in a completely different place—some kind of compound or office building.

Inside, it’s a giant telemarketing office. A bunch of my coworkers and friends are there, working like it’s just another day. I get into this long conversation with one dude about CSS coding and website tech. Then my buddy Carl Webb shows up, telling me it’s a great job and that I should work there too.

But then it hits me—I’ve been gone all night. There was a storm, a flood, I lost my phone… Raven must be worried sick. I start panicking, trying to figure out how to get back home, but I have no clue where I even am. I walk out of the office holding a map, and suddenly, my old friend Joe Fox runs up and tackles me. We wrestle for a minute, and I’m like, “Dude, what the hell?” He just laughs.

Then, out of nowhere, Phil Anselmo walks up, grabs the diabetic sticker thing Joe has on his arm, peels it off, and eats it. Joe and I both just stare at him like, What. The. Fuck.

And then… I wake up.